Lessons Learned

This weekend practically bludgeoned me with life's lessons.  Here I sit, at the end of it, staring in space with an enormous sense of incredulity.

Starting with the fires in Los Angeles, it seemed that wave after wave of horrifying events pummeled my senses.  I spent a solid hour Thursday evening scrolling through news clips, tagging photos of firefighters coming from thousands of miles away, reposting help lines on social media.  Then I started seeing disgusting misinformation, blame blasts, and accusations floating through news sources.  I could not quite fathom that some politicians seemed to think that the devastation experienced in Southern California provided an opportunity for political gain rather than a need for swift assistance and comfort.

On Friday, I accidentally caused harm to someone.  The degree of harm has not been clarified.  The person howled and glared, accusing me of a terrible and deliberate misdeed.  I and others assessed the situation as relatively minor and clearly inadvertent.  In the aftermath, someone made accusations against me to the effect that I, a disabled person, had no right to partake of normal daily activities; the individual accused me of being drunk or on painkillers, neither of which was remotely true.  Presumably, my spastic gait triggered the mistaken belief, but even when someone clarified on my behalf, the harassment continued.  I've had this experience many times in my life, but its shock value has not abated.  "You walk funny so you must be drunk" seems to be a persistent and erroneous assumption.   I heaved a sigh and hung my head while my compatriots urged me to ignore the hostility.  I should be used to this behavior but it still saddens me.

Then, while my self-pity still lingered, a neighbor died, apparently from a self-inflicted gunshot although we haven't heard an official pronouncement.  Someone found him a short distance from where we live, in his car.  The man had lived here when I arrived.  Though I did not know him much at all, he walked our park every day and greeted those of us whom he passed.  

For the first few years of our common residency, he walked our circle with his little dog.  After the dog died, he made the route alone.  I could tell that his loss hit hard.  From time to time, he acquired a girlfriend but that did not seem to last long.  Even as little as I spoke with him, I knew him to be distant, somewhat sad, and withdrawn. 

Of course, his death brought my brother's suicide to the forefront of my memory.  I contemplated the twenty-eight years since his death, examining my lingering sorrow to tests its rawness. His face has not dimmed in my mind but my grief seems less sharp.  He would turn sixty-five this year.  I found myself thinking, just idly, that he would have taken his paramedic license and his nursing degree, and headed to Los Angeles to help in the fires.  The thought cheered me, albeit only for a few moments.

A few small personal betrayals by seeming friends peppered the hours.  Other minor annoyances danced through my days.  I told myself, There is no fire in my valley, no bombs on my village.  I sucked it up.  But gloom lingered.

Morning will bring a new week.  I have an appointment for an oil change.  The weather might remain pleasant, sunny though cool.  I have nearly all of my laundry done, so I can do a planned decluttering of  my twenty-one inches of hanging space and six small drawers.  I will cull through my many jackets and gather a bag of clothes to donate.  Some time during the week, I will try to articulate the lessons that I've learned during these three days of awfulness.  As for tonight, I have a cup of cold water and a plate of gluten-free cookies, and nothing more arduous planned than a little light reading and doing the day's dishes.  I think I can handle that much.

Mugwumpishly tendered,

Corinne Corley

The Missouri Mugwump®

Starting Over

 

Every year I tell myself that the twelve months ahead of me will be different than the dying days of the closing calendar.  I disdain resolutions in favor of hopes, dreams, and determinations.  My house needs cleaning; my closet yearns for order; the laundry unit flashes its TUB CLEAN icon.  A day away from work affords the opportunity for a fresh start, and if I have any resolve, it lies in the task list that I've just sent to the printer in my upstairs bedroom.

Possibility calls to me like the elusive eternal lover of whom I have had painfully short glimpses for nearly seven decades.  Podcasts and videos play in the background with alternating messages of hope and despair.  Coffee and stretching launched my morning, along with the nearly perfect scrambled eggs and lightly toasted sourdough bread with which I start most days.  Always the optimist, I braid my hair, tie my shoes, and tackle the piles of clutter that seem to grow while I'm away, at work, at the shop, out of town.  Those gremlins that I used to hope would clean my house seem to delight in disorder, here in my 198 square feet of tiny territory.

Politically, I know that 2025 will disappoint me.  I take that as read.  The kakocracy looms.  The rights of child-bearing women have already been curtailed.  My immigrant acquaintances fall silent when I ask about their families, paperwork, and legal representation.  The decision of seventy-four million citizens to trust the greatest power to the most morally bankrupt astounds me, but I cannot impact the outcome except by the merest of gestures.  As much as I dislike the expression, "que sera, sera", none better suits the perilous times we face.

Instead of fretting about the demise of the American experiment, I turn myself to a closer consideration.  Once more, I determine that I will start over, with clean floors, dusted shelves, and decluttered cabinets.  Unopened junk mail can be tossed.  I can re-home the air fryer that I thought would change my culinary undertakings.  Books that I planned to read in the old year taunt from the bedside table but their jeering will fade as they fall into a donation box.  The dry ends of my braids already yielded to sharp scissors.  

Yesterday's quick run for eggs and bread brought a pleasant surprise.  Citrus season starts when I see the stem-and-leaf tangerines in the fruit aisle.  I fell upon them like a starved shipwreck survivor, while debating the relative merits of navel or cara cara oranges with a neighbor who happened to be shopping at the same time as I.  I brought home  a bagful of the delightful small orbs, praying that they would not disappoint.  I ate the first one last evening after a simple supper, and found it more satisfying than expensive chocolate, aged whiskey, or perfect Old Vine Zin.  Its fragrance lingered for some time after I discarded the peel: the heady, alluring scent of spring.

I recognize that I might not plow through my entire to-do list before dinner.  My shoulders will ache with the strain of pushing against the tension that I carry between them.  The three degenerated disks that a spine surgeon declined to repair already twinge in anticipation.  Those books offer a tempting detour, just as my keyboard has, just as those podcasts do, just as self-doubt always will.  

But at the end of the day, I know that whatever I get done will be more than nothing.  I have learned to give myself that much grace:  To accept what I can do, and leave the rest for my next free hours.  I enter this new year without resolution but also without reservation.  Whatever it holds will be enough; whatever eludes me will be relinquished; whoever walks beside me whether for one step or a thousand will be welcome.  

To those whom this missive reaches, I bid you the same:  A chance to begin anew; the possibility of peace and prosperity; the opportunity to love yourself and those around you; the absence of pain, the presence of joy.  If you have a to-do list with too many items, I hope you will allow yourself the luxury of dividing the tasks into surmountable increments.  If you find yourself in need of permission to rest, you have it.  I grant you that luxury.  Remember:  You can always start over next year.

Mugwumpishly tendered,

Corinne Corley

The Missouri Mugwump®

Flying with Arlo

 A couple of decades ago, more maybe, my son started fifth grade at a new school.  Desperate to help him adjust, I steeled myself to attend a mother's dinner.  I stood in the kitchen as conversation flowed in great waves around my clueless mind.  

At one point, a woman asked me who my student was.  "Pat," I answered, using the name by which he wanted to be known during that time.  She turned to her companion.  "Do you know a girl named 'Pat'," she asked the other mom.  "Oh, no," I hastened.  "It's short for 'Patrick', my son."  A look of annoyance flickered across her features.  

"We are the girl moms," she scolded.  "The boy moms are in the living room."  She turned away as I hastened to correct my egregious mistake.

Now comes Sunday, and my journey home from a week with that same boy, now a thirty-three-year-old man living in his own condo on the North side of Chicago.  Relegated to a wheelchair that my various infirmities immediately necessitate, I sit where I've been unceremoniously parked against a wall near the gate that will take me on the second leg of the all-day journey.  A mother juggles her little girl and a more patient boychild, while their father stands guard over the boy's backpack.  

"Tell your brother 'goodbye'," the woman urges the tiny child.  In response the urchin throws both arms around the departing one's legs and sends him lurching backwards.  He takes it with a grin and lifts her into the air -- just a few inches, but surely enough.  I exchange pleasantries with the parents while we all wait for the summons from the harried gate attendant.

Eventually, I find myself sitting next to the solo traveler.  The flight attendant gives him directions and I look down at him.  "Did you understand?" I ask.  He grins and replies, "I didn't even hear him!  Do you know what he said?"  I explain the safety rules to him.  We brace for lift-off, and then I show him how to put down his table and open the packet of pretzels.  He looks at me like he thinks I'm okay, not really a stranger, and asks me if I like the movie about Arlo the Dinosaur.  I think for a moment and then admit I've never seen it.

"It's my favorite," he chortles.  "Because he's named after me!"  I solemnly ask him what his name is, and his grin expands.  "Arlo, of course!"  Then he sobers a bit and says, "It has a happy ending but a sad middle.  Really, the sad part starts at the beginning because he loses his parents."  I ask if he found them again and Arlo shakes his head.  "No, he lost them forever."

The flight continues.  Arlo and I look at the clouds.  He remarks that the sun seems brighter and his eyes grow wide when I tell him why that might be.  I help him sort out his apple juice which he thinks tastes a little funny until he realizes that it might be because he's eating pretzels too.  "The tastes combine," he explains.  I ask his age and he tells me, "Almost nine," and I remark that he knows a lot for an eight-year-old.  He nods.  He knows.

When we get close to Sacramento, Arlo tells me that this is a special trip just for him to see his grandparents.  He thinks only his grandma will come get him because his grandpa doesn't like to leave his dog alone for very long.  He says his grandma is going to take him sky-diving.  He suspects it will be fun but also, he admits, a little bit scary.  As the airplane descends, he asks why we are slowing down and seems reassured by my answer.  I warn him about the landing gear and the possibility of a bump.  When it happens, his eyes grow wide and he says, "Well you were sure right about that!"

We wait for permission to unbuckle and the lady on the other side of me has started looking her phone. "Oh no," she cries.  "Jimmy Carter died!"  Arlo asks who Jimmy Carter is, and we explain.  The lady tells Arlo that after he stopped being president, he helped build houses for poor people.  Arlo says that sounds like a good thing to do, and asks the lady how old he was when he died.  The lady says, "100, I think, wasn't he?" and I agree.  Arlo puts his hand on my arm and says, "It's probably okay then, he was probably ready to die.  It's just as well.  He was probably tired."

Later, I watched Arlo leave the plane.  He doesn't see me because he's so excited to talk about the clouds. A woman about my age takes his hand, while her companion -- who apparently decided the dog would survive an hour alone -- swings Arlo's backpack over his shoulder.  

As  they move down the concourse, I think about the drive that I took with my son yesterday, to see parts of Chicago that he wanted me to experience.  We stopped outside a building with a mural dedicated to the murdered Black Panther activist Fred Hampton.  He manipulated his car so I could take a photo.  "That's probably the house in which the police gunned him down," my son tells me.  I think about my son and the causes he supports as our plane lands and Arlo watches the buildings grow larger.  "It's so beautiful," he tells me. Out of the mouths of  our children, I think, wisdom doth often come.

An attendant pushes my wheelchair along the hallway to the elevator and, side by side with another disabled passenger, we make our way onto the tram.  The lady next to me says, "I heard you with that little boy on the plane."  I turn to look at her, not sure of what to expect.  "You were very kind to him," she continues, and smiles.  

I shake my  head a bit dismissively.  "Anyone would have done the same," I insist.  She says, "But you seemed to have a way with him."   I look through the glass doors as we slow.  "Oh, well," I finally answer.  "It stands to reason.  I'm a boy mom, after all.  I should know something about talking to them."

Night falls around me.  I texted my son that I had safely arrived and smiled at his one-word response, "OK".  Not even a word, really -- just an acknowledgment, a noise, a shorthand for denying the obvious worry that might otherwise have lingered.  Once I would have read a thousand troublesome meanings into that brief message.  Tonight I send back an equally cryptic answer, a blue heart emoji, and let it go.

Mugwumpishly tendered,

Corinne Corley

The Missouri Mugwump®

My photo of the mural dedicated to Fred Hampton:     

Counting My Blessings

 

I have a lot of undertakings to which I give my income.  The shop that I founded, charities to which I donate, gifts for friends.  I used to go to the coast every month, before the shop.  I fly home once a year, renting a car and reserving an AirBnb.  I'm not a saver; I never have been.  I've been expecting to die since 1997, so there didn't seem to be a point.  Never mind that the poor fellow who made that prognosis himself died a year later, and that I have had twenty-seven years to understand his error.  I never learned to save, and that ship has sailed.  Fortunately, I taught my son -- or someone did -- and he will live better for it.

But I have enough, and I know I live a privileged life.  I still work at 69, because I must; but I don't mind the fact of continued employment.  Perhaps it's not ideal.  I grow weary, wearier than a decade ago and more quickly.  I've always been a bit unsteady on my feet, you know; and osteopenia hovers on the edge of my awareness.  Eventually, I will ease my workload, but it suits for now.  

I feel my privilege.  As I filled my salt mills the other day, the news of the day played in the background.  War; the collapse of governments across Europe and the Middle East; the threats to democracy --  all invaded the otherwise easy silence as I poured.  Celtic grey and Himalayan pink.  After I got that done, I decanted two pounds of one of my favorite beans, Mother Lode Coffee.  The counter needed cleaning, so I flicked the water lever and listened while my Precision Temp On-Demand propane water heater activated.  The water heater that my carpenter-builder installed failed after less than two years.  This brand cost ten times as much but has been incredibly reliable.  My small savings took a hit but I have no regrets. 

Christmas approaches.  All of the winter events for which I had responsibility have come and gone with a fair bit of success.  In a week, I will board a plane for Chicago.  I've yet to figure out a winter coat. My usual sources failed me -- Poshmark, ThredUp, the Goodwill in Lodi.  I could have gone to Kohl's while in town, but that's not my jam.  I ordered something semi-warm from Amazon despite its varied reviews.  It might go back; I might instead layer myself in wool until I deplane, and deal with whatever weather I encounter.  I'm sure my son will help me find something decent.  

My son takes me to the best places.  Once we went high above the city; so high, I could barely breathe.  Heights terrify me.  On that same visit, he navigated us to not one but two demonstrations. I watched, and listened, and we talked about the causes which put fire into the belly of his generation.  He grows more fine, more socially aware, more solid every year.  I could not be more proud of what he has made of himself.

  

Only fourteen days remain of this year.  I still have not resolved my website issues, mainly because I haven't had the time or stamina to make the decisions that the web guy outlined.  Time enough for that in the weeks ahead.  In the meantime, I have laundry to do, holiday cards to address, and a pile of scarves to sort through for the donation bag.  I ate a good dinner of gluten-free pasta and a mediocre plant-based sausage made primarily of egg whites and 'natural ingredients'.  I chuckled when I read that.  I suppose it could be arsenic for all I made a point of learning before I tossed them in the pan.  No matter; it charred nicely, and tasted vaguely of what I remember of meat.  I chased the lot down with cold spring water.

As we all head into whatever holiday we each celebrate, I bid joy to each of you.  Whether you believe in some higher power or just credit the universe with any grace that comes your way, I hope you can count your blessings on more than one hand.  As for myself, that goes without saying.

Mugwumpishly tendered,

Corinne Corley

The Missouri Mugwump®

Pie in the sky

 

10 December 2024, near the end of the eleventh year in which I continuously  strive to live without complaining.  Failure grips me; success skips away.

At 69, I should have chosen all the crossroads that fate might present but it seems that more await me.  My patience erodes.  I find myself unable to tolerate patronizing tones, jokes about serious subjects, and the outrage of self-righteous thinkers.  Employing an increasingly slim arsenal of resistance, I purse my lips in the face of any of these.  My mother's thin eyebrow arches; a twinkle shines in her eye; and in a second, my decade of intense study of nonviolent communication vanishes and I snap.  My mother's ghost turns away but not before I spy a little smile and a minute shake of her head.  

A competent web designer deems my sites irreparable -- or in the least, not worth repairing.  We switched into recovery mode as the hull of the ship sinks towards the ocean floor and my words desperately wave their frigid hands as they throw themselves on bobbing lifeboats.  I found a treasure trove on my laptop of the Musings, downloaded one at a time, in reverse, to prepare my manuscript two years ago.  It's the other blog, My Year Without Complaining, that struggles against the waves.  I learned my lesson:  Hire competent help; keep back-up files; update, update, update.  Those plug-ins won't mind themselves.

My friend Candy came into my shop the other day and asked when I would write another book.  She lives in the park where I landed seven years ago next week.  She and her husband have a 5th wheel with nearly twice the room of my tiny house and two yappy dogs, one of which likes me.  She bought my first release and even read it.  For that, if nothing else, I hold her dear.

Here's the thing:  I don't have to write another book, unless my focus changes.  I have years upon years of weekly missives that can be edited into a manuscript that I could shop on the strength of my first, self-published collection.  Nor would it be difficult to actually author fresh  material.  Rather than struggling to write, I must cudgel myself into doing anything else.  I can write; I find it easier than breathing.  Whether someone will underwrite the project remains to be seen.  

My unsettled emotional state might be the only impediment.  My inability to tolerate folks who treat me with an air of dismissal sends me into a tailspin now and again.  My faith in myself erodes. I question everything.  Last week, I even considered pulling stakes and hiring a flatbed to take my tiny house to my cousin Kati's land south of St. Louis, if she would still have me.  I'd hear that comforting blend of east and south in voices at the local diner.  My son would be just a five-hour drive to the north.  Three of my siblings would be in the metro area.  I could live in quiet seclusion, occasionally strolling across the way to have coffee on my cousin's porch and talk until dawn.

I'm tempted.

But then:  I get a call from the incomparable Tim Anderson, standing on my porch to claim a sleeping bag that I no longer need.  In his cheerful voice he asks if I would like an apple pie with or without caramel.  Before I can tell him that I shouldn't have sugar or gluten, he tells me that he'll leave both.  He thanks me for the sleeping bag which I had in turn gotten from our mutual friend Michelle Burke.  He says he can always use a sleeping bag for himself or one of the many friends who come to visit him in the Delta.  He closes with his usual, I'll see you always, ending the call almost before I can agree.

This evening, after a simple supper, I warmed one of the two pies.  The other easily slid into the small freezer in my tiny fridge.  With a pie server that I do not think I have used in a decade, I cut myself a modest serving.  I sat down to a piece of pie on a pretty plate, which I ate with a fork from the tableware that my sister sent me.  It's the pattern of my mother's everyday silver.  I find myself smiling.

The sun sets at five these days.  My son told me informed me that we are in Jupiter opposition.  I don't know if that impacts my mood but I've been crying and laughing in turns apropros of nothing discernible.  My spirit might be preparing for another crossroads.  I should tighten my shoelaces. I might have to choose in a hurry, and make a dash before I change my mind.

Mugwumpishly tendered,

Corinne Corley

The Missouri Mugwump®

Thankful Every Day

 I haven't activated the heat since coming home from work.  I still marvel at the weather in Northern California, not quite seven years after moving here.  I imagined myself living by the ocean but also in warm weather, despite having embraced hours of fog and rain during my visits.  Here in the Delta, it does not quite freeze but it will drop to forty, and I think it's hovering at fifty outside as I write.

The rain overtook the Delta just a few weeks ago.  Migrating fowl fill the air and fields.  Smaller birds, tremendous flocks of them, settle on the wires.  Our lights flicker.  We  message each other and ask, is your power off? Is it the whole island or just our park?  We stand outside our houses and stare at the torrents of water falling from the black skies.  My first two years here saw nearly no rain.  Five years later, people still suspect that drought will again grip the land.  We might bemoan the dark and cold as we wait for the utility company to restore service.  But we do not loathe the bountiful showers which raise the water table and nourish the crops.

 On the night before American Thanksgiving Day, I find myself wondering for what I am thankful.  In my childhood home, I would be third to pronounce my gratitude in the youngest-to-oldest round of the table.  After the silly stuff by my little brothers, I would titter, My mom, or my family. In my son's childhood, I usually gave the penultimate nod, though in between marriages, I got to go last.  By my turn, I always found myself in tears.   No one could understand my sobbed words.  

In years when my health had flagged, I expressed thanks for surviving.  In the blush of wedded bliss, my spouse and son would both get mentioned.  Always, I would tell the dozen folks gathered that I was especially glad for their presence in my life, for my family by choice.  Smiles, laughter, a touch on my arm; everyone acknowledged my sentimental heart.  I'd wipe my tears, announce that dinner was served, and gesture for the assigned volunteer to carve the turkey.  I stood in the doorway to the kitchen, watching as people whom I had known for my son's entire life pass bowls, pour wine, and tuck napkins under the chins of little children as time passed and precious new families grew.

The year has sorely taxed my patience.  Most recently, yet another scammer has hacked my websites so I've been forced back into the less than optimal blogspot.  My health has hovered at the edge of poor; like Yossarian in the hospital, I haven't yet gotten sick enough to cure or well enough to release.  I work too much, sleep too little, and I still need to lose fifteen of the thirty pounds that I've gained since moving here.

But no bombs fall on my village.  And in the city of Mona Chebaro, my son's godmother, a cease fire has been achieved at long last.  

Tomorrow I will dine with a new family by choice, my neighbors at the RV & Tiny House Resort at which I live.  Today they gathered for a class on making pie dough given by a sweet woman named Robin whom we know as the "Tiny Bakeshop" lady.  One of the fabulous women who lives here told me that she's doing a gluten-free crust for me.  She asked me if I like apple pie.  I definitely do.

I hope to talk to my son and maybe some of my siblings.  I will ask each, "For what are you thankful?" and listen to whatever they say, whether funny or serious.  When the call ends, I will stand still for a few minutes, lost in memory and perhaps a little homesick.  But someone will call to me. I will turn, and move towards the cluster of happy people.  Someone else will hand me a glass.  Another will pull a chair over so I can join them.  Waves of conversation and laughter will wash over me.  

This, I will think.  I'm thankful for this.

Mugwumpishly tendered,

Corinne Corley

The Missouri Mugwump®

Why Me? Why Not Me?

 It seems that I have not learned my lesson.

I started blogging in 2008 with a weekly missive to the Small Firm Internet Group which morphed into the Saturday Musings.  Those Musings eventually became a book:  Mugwumpishly Tendered:  Essays from the seasons of one woman's life, © M. Corinne Corley, 2022, Write The Future, Spartan Press.  

While still recording my life's experience in the Saturday Musings, I started My Year Without Complaining, at which site I have diligently accounted for my quest to live an entire 365 sequential days without uttering one disparaging word.  That quest continues.

Now, for the second time, all of my websites have suffered an egregious attack.  With a holiday looming, I desperately seek a web developer who can work with my webhost to recover the data and repair the sites.  Barring both, the former would be sufficient because -- it must be said -- I directly write into the blog sphere and have no on-board copies of ten years of Complaint-Free Endeavors.

I just logged back into blogspot for the first time since 2017, the last time I got hacked.  On that occasion, Russian bots (I kid you not) had taken over my site.  Then, the webhost repelled the attack.  This time, a sneaky company called me while I was driving to Stanford.  They pretended to be my webhost.  They hijacked my site and under the guise of an expiring security certificate, tried to extort me for a hundred bucks.  I pulled over to the side of the road, called my real webhost, got a refund from my bank, and thought nothing more of it.

We think they left a little Easter egg which hatched last week and starting spewing thousands of spam emails in my name. If you got one, my grave apologies.

Accordingly, my dear, kind webhost purveyors have disabled these sites:

• myyearwithoutcomplaining.com
• mubdies.com
• themissourimugwump.com
• corleylawfirm.com

Why me??  Ah, but, conversely -- why not me?  I've had so many chances to succeed, and yet I continue to overlook lessons that might have helped me forestall disaster.  (I say, as I gently touch the little tiny lump under my skin which I know records my heart beat 24/7.  Just breathe. We do not want the monitoring nurses to sound an alarm.)

By and by, we will either salvage data and re-start the pages, or just re-start the pages.  This time, I will hire professional help to load and maintain the platform.  With any luck, we will be able to shift my accumulated blog entries to the new site.  But if we can't, I promise -- I won't complain.

Stay tuned.

Happy Thanksgiving, y'all.

Mugwumpishly tendered,

Corinne Corley

The Missouri Mugwump®